Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian (Docudrama

Simha Nyr, Adv.

Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian

Docudrama

A four act play

©

All rights reserved

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On the docudrama:

“Docudrama is an artistic genre that uses known figures as a basis for artistic work. It combines, by nature of things, reality and imagination”.

(Israeli Supreme Court President, Aharon Barak, in HCJ 6126+6143/94, Giora Senesh et al vs. IBA et al).

The characters in this play are absolutely fantastic, and the use of real names or real events, including events related to the real names, is intended only for the sense of authenticity, and not for informational purposes.

Any resemblance between any character in this play and any real person is but in the imagination of the reader, and/or by the reader’s familiarity with another person.

This play should not be regarded as a documentation of any real event, but only a fictional drama, bound to artistic values.

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Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian

Personae operandi (by order of entrance to stage for the first time):

SARAH NETANYAHU, Israel’s prime minister’s wife

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU, Israel’s prime minister

FEMALE VOICE

HASSAN ROUHANI, president of the Islamic Republic of Iran, formerly Persia.

Col. TAREK ABU-BAKR AL-SHARKIYA, pilot

Lt. MAHMOUD IBN-SAUD, co-pilot

BODYGUARDS

DAN MARGALIT, reporter

EHUD YAARY, reporter, Arab and Mid-East affairs

DROR EYDAR, reporter

GID’ON LEVI, reporter

AHARON LAPIDOT, reporter, aviation affairs

MORDECHAI GILAT, reporter

EMILY AMRUSSI, reporter

_________________________

Bibi and Saraleh Netanyahu Sell a Used Car to the Iranian

Act I

Scene I

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem, Israel.

Presidential palace, Tehran, Iran.

Phone rings in Jerusalem.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, it’s for you.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Who calls me?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

I don’t know.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

What number?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Seems to be an international call. Starting 0098.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Iran … did they hear my address to the Congress? Maybe it’s someone from their opposition.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Are you sure? It seems that after all the hangings in Ahmedinajad’s time there is no opposition left there.

Ring stops.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

If it isn’t a mistake, and if they really need me, and if they have any tiding, they will call again.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

What is tiding?

Ring again.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Answer them and ask who calls. Don’t forget to turn the tape recorder on.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Hello … who calls?

FEMALE VOICE:

Is this the prime minister’s house?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

For the time being. There are plans to build a new official residence for us, which will include also the prime minister’s office.

FEMALE VOICE:

Shall I call later?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

“Later” is relative.

FEMALE VOICE:

In half an hour’s time, OK?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Half an hour’s time is not enough, the plans for the new residence are not yet final, and the treasury boys have not yet said their word, and the Town Planning officials have also to justify their very existence. If that’s the point, call again in half a decade’s time, maybe half a century – if at all.

FEMALE VOICE:

But until then you will already sell the car.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

What car?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Saraleh, give it to me. Hello?

FEMALE VOICE:

Bibi?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s me.

FEMALE VOICE:

Bibi, in English English one says “it’s I”.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Maybe, but I got my education in the United States. Who is speaking?

FEMALE VOICE:

It’s about the car.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

What car?

FEMALE VOICE:

I see in the classifieds, a car for sale, second hand, like new, armored, call 00972-2-670-5555.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

This isn’t my number.

FEMALE VOICE:

It’s your office. One doesn’t need to have your white pages to know that. One can google it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

So how did you get my residence number?

FEMALE VOICE:

We didn’t have to Google it. We have enough intelligence agencies and secret information to know this. Now, what about the car?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Oh, yes … I’ve almost forgotten it … my advanced Alzheimer’s, you know … yes, my car is for sale. A very unique car, excellent condition, like new, fully armoured, air conditioned, coffee maker included. Just to take and drive, the keys are inside.

FEMALE VOICE:

I know where you took it from. It’s from Ha’Gashash Ha’Hiver, Israeli trio.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

How do you know them?

FEMALE VOICE:

Don’t ask too much. I know them, and I know that Poly died recently. A great loss.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Let’s go back to the car. It’s in Israel, you know. Where are you from?

FEMALE VOICE:

The Islamic Republic of Iran, formerly Persia.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, I know. Some of my best friends are from Iran, formerly Persia.

FEMALE VOICE:

Yes, I know too. Shaul Mofaz, Itsik Mordechai, Moshe Katsav …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Itsik is Iraqi, not Persian.

FEMALE VOICE:

Persian. Farsi!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Iraqi!

FEMALE VOICE:

Farsi!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Iraqi!

FEMALE VOICE:

Farsi!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Iraqi. You don’t need intelligence agencies and secret information to know this. You can google it.

FEMALE VOICE:

No Google in Iran, no internet, but we know that Itsik was also a screwer, like Moshe Katsav. In Iran the women would have gone to prison, or even be hanged, not the men. We are a modern country.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, I know … a modern country, on the verge of nuclear capability … I wish we Israelis could …

FEMALE VOICE:

Bibi, I can’t believe … are you really so naïve? Hasn’t anyone ever told you about KAMAG and MAMAG?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, let’s go back to the car. Who is going to have it?

FEMALE VOICE:

Our president, Hassan Rouhani.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

No kidding. How come?

FEMALE VOICE:

We saw the details in your ad, especially the armour. We know you Israelis are the best in the world in armouring cars.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, how do we get along? Who will come to pick up the car?

FEMALE VOICE:

It isn’t just “picking up” the car. We have to see it and examine it, ere we open our checkbook.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I like your English. Who will come to see and examine the car?

FEMALE VOICE:

OK, that’s the point. Mr. Rouhani wants to see the car and test-drive it by himself.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

So let him come – no problem. In business like in business.

FEMALE VOICE:

But Mr. Rouhani fears you won’t let him out, and we, the people, will lose both our president and the car. Anacnu net’se kerhim mikan u’mikan.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Your Hebrew is amazing.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Her English, her Hebrew, can’t you just talk business?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Just a minute, Ma’am. (to Sarah Netanyahu): Don’t interfere, Saraleh, in business one must acquire the other’s confidence. (to Female Voice): Sorry, Ma’am, I’m back. I had a leak under the sink.

FEMALE VOICE:

It’s OK, Bibi. We have more serious leaks, I assume you have such too.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

To my shame, we have such too.

FEMALE VOICE:

So, what about Mr. Rouhani’s freedom to leave the country, once the deal is made?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s OK, I pledge my word. Israel is a free country, and no one’s freedom to leave the country is limited without due process of law.

FEMALE VOICE:

And what about Mr. Rouhani’s safety? He fears that some people in Israel are anxious to get rid of him.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ma’am he is not the only one. I myself have, in Israel alone, more enemies that all the Iranian presidents combined have had since Koresh the Great, 2500 years ago.

FEMALE VOICE:

And what are the implications?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

The implications are that I’ll escort him in person, together with all my security persons, throughout his visit to Israel.

FEMALE VOICE:

That’s fine, Mr. Netanyahu, I’ll tell that to my president. Just a minute … Mr. Rouhani wants to speak with you.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

With pleasure.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Hello? Mr, Bibi?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s me.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, in English English one says “it’s I”.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, your secretary also offered me the same correction. I see you both have one language and few words. I wish you remember what happened to the Tower of Babylon.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Sure I do, but Babylon is Iraq, and we are Iran, formerly Persia, and we, as a free country, maintain full freedom of speech, not like the Iraqis.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, when do you wish to come and see the car?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Tomorrow, 1100 AM. Is it OK?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Just a minute. Saraleh, tomorrow 1100 AM is OK?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

3 PM is better, I need the car in the morning.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

3 PM is better, Saraleh needs the car in the morning.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Done.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Done.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I have two minor requests …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Speak, I am turned to hear.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

First, I want to enter Israel and get out of it incognito, no “kings’ honour”, no bullshit, no Ziko Graziani.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ziko passed away more than ten years ago …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Oh, I’m sorry. My intelligence agencies didn’t tell me that. A great loss.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

You don’t need intelligence agencies and secret information to know this. You can Google it.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yes, but in Iran there is no free access to Google, and it’s a very bad example if the president allows himself what ordinary people are not allowed. A great loss, Ziko.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

You had two requests, what is the second one?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

No politics, please. We only talk business.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s OK too. I deeply regret that some perceive my readiness to sell my car as political. That was never my intention.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I’m glad it’s so. Tomorrow 1500 sharp, Teiman landing ground, near Beersheba, OK?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

By no means. No security available there.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So where?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I can’t tell you, we are eavesdropped by all the spying agencies in the world.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So how shall we know where to land?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

My Air Force jets will escort you, and guide you where to land.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Honour guard? I asked you no “tararam”, no rituals …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

No rituals, just security, and leading you.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Ok, nice to talk business with you.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Nice to me too. Bye.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yalla, bye.

 Scene II

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem, Israel.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, are you crazy?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Why crazy?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

You invite snakes to our home. You yourself said in the Congress that the Iranians are untrustworthy.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Saraleh, leave me alone. He comes for business, not for politics.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Do you trust his check? He will take the car, and the bank will return his check.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I don’t transfer the title, until it’s paid.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, take cash. Greens. Not the Iranian Rial, which no clearinghouse in the world will regard whatsoever.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It will be OK, Saraleh.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

And you oppose lifting the economic sanctions imposed on Iran…

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Saraleh, I don’t trust the Iranians, but I trust Obama even less, and I know he will lift the sanctions even before Iran removes even one centrifuge.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, what is “removes”?

The phone rings.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hello?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, it’s Hassan, again.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I guessed it’s you. Your wife opposes the deal? She doesn’t let you land in Israel? She doesn’t trust Bibi’s word?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

No, Bibi, we all trust you. I just wanted to figure out whether you accept credit cards.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It depends on the issuer.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

The Iranian National Central Bank.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, frankly, do you, in person, trust them?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Frankly speaking, Bibi, I trust them not.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

So, why should we?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Then, how shall we get along?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Bring cash, Hassan, it’s the best currency, even in Israel. Provided, of course, it’s real.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yes Bibi, we have enough Rials. We print them whenever we need money.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, I didn’t say Rials, I said real money. Do you, in person, trust the Iranian Rial?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Frankly speaking, Bibi, I trust it not.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

So, bring Dollars.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Frankly, Bibi, do you trust the Dollar?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Frankly speaking, I don’t trust it too much, but I trust the Israeli Shekel even less, especially after Yair Lapid’s term as the finance minister.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yes, I know him from the TV. Yair Lapid, the guy with the gel and brilliantine. Tommy Lapid’s son.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I mostly appreciate your acquaintance with the Israeli being.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

In the Iranian democracy one cannot become a president without passing all the exams, including Mid-East past, present and future.

Another phone rings.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sorry, Hassan, I have another call.  See you tomorrow 1500, sharp. (hangs on, takes the other phone). Hello?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, don’t you think it’s time to go to bed? You have a hard day tomorrow, more correctly – today.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, Saraleh, it’s time. Thank you for giving me the pretext to end the talk with the Iranian.

Act II

Scene I

Iranian Air Force One entering the air space of Israel.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I see them. Look!

PILOT:

Yes, on our right.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Sure. If their prime minister were Bougie Hertzog we would have them on the left.

PILOT:

Your honour, as a soldier I am educated to keep away from politics.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

It’s OK, colonel, we’ve crossed now the border to Israel, the country of free speech, and our laws refer us to the lex loci.

PILOT:

Thank you, your honour.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

They lower their undercarriages, what does it mean?

PILOT:

It means “follow us”, your honour. Where are they taking us?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I don’t know. Bibi said their jets will escort us, and show us where to land. Look, look … the pilot next to us waves hello.

PILOT:

Yes, I see.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Colonel, can you guess where they are leading us to?

PILOT:

It seems BG Airport.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I have a very bad feeling.

PILOT:

Do you fear they are going to intercept us?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

No. I’ll tell you later.

Starting the descent.

PILOT:

Yes, it’s BG.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Oy vey …

PILOT:

What’s wrong?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I’ll tell you later.

Landing. Taxiing, following the “Follow Me” vehicle. Stopping. Ramp brought. Red carpet unrolled. Cheers and applause. IDF orchestra plays the Iranian anthem.

HASSAN ROUHANI (to the pilot):

Don’t open the door.

PILOT:

It doesn’t comply with the international regulations.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

My ass international regulations.

PILOT:

The control tower says we have to open the door.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Ask them to tell Bibi to board our plane, we’ll open the door to him, and if he is concerned about his own safety, he may come with all his bodyguards. We have enough coffee for all of them.

PILOT:

They say it doesn’t comply with the protocol.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

And Bibi’s address to the Congress did “comply with the protocol”?

PILOT:

Ask them, not me. I’m but a pilot, a colonel, a soldier. I just obey orders. Just a minute … they call me again. Mr. Netanyahu wants to talk to you.

Scene II

TLV international airport, Israel

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Give him to me. Hello!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, we are waiting.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I can’t believe … you told me Ziko Graziani is dead.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure he is dead. You don’t have to rely on me, you can google it.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So you brought another Ziko?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

No, it is but the Air Force Orchestra, which is quite another class, not regarded at all in Israel. Not regarded as an orchestra.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, do you want to sell the car?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure, Hassan, sure.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So how can I do business with someone I can’t rely on? I will pay you for the car, and then find it a clunker?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I said Ziko is dead, but, as you know, the graveyards are full of people who had no substitute.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

And you promised me no rituals, no “tararam” …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure I did, but I was mistaken. The Chief of Protocol insists it’s absolutely improper to welcome a head of state like thieves at night.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

And what says he about keeping one’s pledge?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

He says it isn’t his business. He says that this question should be delivered to the Attorney General, but Mr. Weinstein is now under arrest.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Gam lo tafru tik?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I don’t know. Maybe he wants to lead a reform in the Judiciary, but I assume that after you leave the country, he will be freed without bail, without any charge against him.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So …?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, don’t be a child. You Iranians have also Chiefs of Protocol, and I admit I was mistaken. Errare humanum est.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

A-propos protocol, I didn’t bring my tuxedo and necktie. Frankly speaking I don’t have such, and I’ve never had. Is it OK for your Chief of Bullshit?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s OK. I am also informally dressed.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, I’ll open the door, and come out.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

By the way, did you bring a mechanic to check the car?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Sure, my co-pilot is also a qualified mechanic.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Don’t leave him alone in the cockpit.

Scene III

The same

Hassan Rouhani steps down the ramp, escorted by Benjamin Netanyahu. Trumpets, cheers, applause.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Frankly speaking, I like it not.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Frankly speaking, I like it not either, but I’m bound by the protocol.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Do we have to pass through the passport control and the customs?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Not when you are with me.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

What are you up to now?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

We pass through the VIP by-pass. This was established for Judge Varda Alsheich, who demanded it for the judges, but later had to resign with disgrace, and as one says, we have buried her, but she still rules us from her grave.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

It is not “as one says”. It was coined by Frederic William Maitland (28 May 1850 – 19 December 1906), an English historian and lawyer. He is generally regarded as the modern father of English legal history.

Entering a door.

Scene IV

The same

VIP reception room. Journalists, security persons.

Enter Benjamin Netanyahu, Hassan Rouhani, pilot Colonel Tarek Abu-Bakr al-Sharqiya, co-pilot Lieutenant Mahmud Ibn-Saud, bodyguards.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Again, I like not that.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

We shall make it short. It won’t hurt, Bibi’s word.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, make it short, if you wish to sell the car. I have to be back in my country by 2400 today. Take notice that Iran’s time zone is an hour and a half earlier. Anything you Israelis have, we have had an hour and a half earlier. We are an advanced country. Don’t wink, Bibi, don’t smile, I know what you hint.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ladies and gentlemen, don’t rub your eyes.

As you all know my official car is quite old and obsolete. It has served faithfully many prime ministers, since 1974: Itshak Rabin, Menachem Begin, Itzhak Shamir, Shim’on Peres, Shamir’s second term, Rabin’s second term, Peres’s second term, my first term, Ehud Barak, Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, my second and third terms, and my fourth term is just impending.

As you see, this car has had a glorious past, but, as our Arab brothers say kul calb biji yumo, this car has also its day, and the Accountant General insists on replacing it with a new one, because the maintenance expenses get higher and higher from day to day.

We decided, therefore, to sell the car, and for this purpose we launched an international tender, and published ads, since in the local market there is no demand for such a car, though old and obsolete, but very unique car, in excellent condition, like new, fully armoured, air conditioned, coffee maker included. Just to take and drive, the keys are inside.

Mr. Rouhani answered our ad, and he is here to examine the car, and make a bid.

Mr. Margalit, rega. There will be some room for questions. Mr. Rouhani, do you wish to say something?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

No, but I’ll honour this audience, and answer any non-political question.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Dan Margalit, please.

DAN MARGALIT:

Mr. Netanyahu, it seems that it is but an election game, just to show as if you lead something big in the relations between Israel and Iran.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Dan, I deeply regret that some perceive my readiness to sell the car, upon the request of the Accountant General as political. That was never my intention.

EHUD YAARY:

I have a question to Colonel al-Sharqiya. Are you a relative of Abu-Batih al-Sharqiya, who was mentioned in a previous play of the same author, Tsipi Livni and Mahmoud Abbas Talk Peace?

PILOT:

Yes, he is a distant relative of mine, and I’ve read this play. As far as I understand from the play, he is still in your prison. As far as I remember, you also took part in that play.

EHUD YAARY:

No, Colonel, it was my colleague, Dan Margalit, who now sits next to me.

PILOT:

I apologise to both of you. My acute Alzheimer’s, you know.

DROR EYDAR:

Bibi, how can you sell an armoured car to an Arab?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Rouhani is an Iranian, not an Arab. Not all the Moslems are Arabs.

GID’ON LEVI:

Mr. Prime Minister, will you play table tennis with your guest?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I have never played this game.

AHARON LAPIDOT:

Mr. al-Sharqiya, as the pilot of his highness, do you trust your co-pilot?

PILOT:

Absolutely, Mr. Lapidot. We Iranians are not Germans, we have full respect for human life.

MORDECHAI GILAT:

Mr. Netanyahu, haven’t you ever heard about the Trade with the Enemy Ordinance?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

What style of speech is this, sir!!!

MORDECHAI GILAT:

Mr. Netanyahu, it is not a style of speech, it is but a question, which hereby I do reiterate: Haven’t you ever heard about the Trade with the Enemy Ordinance, or haven’t you?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Thank you Motti for this question. First, the deal with the Iranians is not yet done, and, as one says, it isn’t done until it’s done. Moreover, as you know, bargaining with the Iranians is a long, long story, and until then, God forbid, the peace may break in, and you will not have what to ask. Anyway, the visit of Mr. Rouhani has been approved by both the Shabak and the Attorney General.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

What style of speech is this, sir!!!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It is not a style of speech, it is a forecast, based upon 2500 years of Persian history …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We are not Persians, we are Iranians.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Persians, Iranians, you are all the same, and the Persian Bazaar is not just a metaphor. Ask John Kerry.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Ok, Bibi, I came here not to speak about the difference between the Iranians and the Persians, or about our glorious past, but about the future, and the future is the car that you have advertised to sell. I suggest that we end this unsolicited press conference.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I tend to agree. Ladies and gentlemen …

EMILY AMRUSSI:

Rega-rega, Bibi, the ladies did not have an equal representation here. I have a question to Mr. Rouhani.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Emily, I’m sorry. Your question, please.

EMILY AMRUSSI:

Mr. Rouhani, may I offer you something to drink?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

No, Ma’am. If you mean something alcoholic, we Iranians are Moslems, if you don’t know, and as such we don’t drink alcoholics. On the other hand, if you mean something else, I’m having some coffee with Saraleh and Bibi, in about an hour’s time, if we don’t get stuck in traffic. Anyway, just for emergency, I brought with me a thermos of coffee and sandwiches from home.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, you won’t need it, because, unlike the Americans, we are never stuck in traffic. God and Danino’s police are permanently on our side.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Thank you Bibi, I know you Israelis are the best in the world in bypassing the traffic jams. You don’t need to have intelligence sources to know that. You can google it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

And don’t forget, Hassan, it isn’t only coffee at my place, it’s also falafel, hummus and tahina, made by Saraleh herself, especially for you, and pickles from Ma’hane Yehuda, the best de la best. And yes, Mr. Gilat, getting the stuff for this lunch has been pre-approved by the Accountant General, the Attorney General, the Consul General and all the other generals.

MORDECHAI GILAT:

Let me doubt it, Bibi. I’ve asked them right now about this expense, and they told me they know nothing about it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Of course they know nothing. It was compartmentalised, for security reasons. We don’t trust them all, they leak everything.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, Bibi, enough is enough, let’s get to business, and, as I told you, I have to be back in my country by 2400 hours Iran time, 2230 hours here.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you all.

Act III

Scene I

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem, Israel.

Dining room.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Such a wonderful lunch I’ve long not had.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Thanks to Saraleh.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Thank you Saraleh. Now to business. How much?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I suggest you shall see the stuff first.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I want to know how much first, because I also have an Accountant General, and he will hang me alive if I spend too much.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan, half a million bucks, plus the extras.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Don’t you think it’s too much?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Not for a car of such an historical value, but wait.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, I wait. In the Orient, as you know, patience is the name of the game. Carry on.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

As I told you, this is a very unique car, excellent condition, like new, fully armoured, air conditioned, coffee maker included. Just to take and drive, the keys are inside.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So, are all these amenities included?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Only the coffee maker, as I said.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, how much for the armour and the air conditioner?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

One hundred thousand bucks for the armour, fifty thousand for the air conditioner.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Take out the armour, Bibi. In Iran, as I told you, human life is consecrated, and I don’t need the armour. I drive a convertible in the streets of Tehran, and have never heard even one shooting aimed at me. I walk in the local market – which you call a Persian bazaar – without body guards, my compatriots shake my hands, and Even though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I fear no evil, for Allah is with me; His rod and His staff, they comfort me. Psalms 23, 4, adapted.

You can sell the armour to Bashar el-Assad. For me it’s but a nuisance, since I pay shipment by the weight.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, shipping and handling – on me.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK Bibi, leave it on the car, but I don’t pay for what I don’t need, and talk first to Bashar.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ok, I will.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

About the air conditioner – we have to see its condition. Just to let you know, I can get a new unit, installed originally in Tehran for much-much less.

By the way, Bibi, you said that the car is quite old and obsolete, so how do you ask half a million bucks for it?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, I said so, but, in the same breathe I spoke about the historical value of this collectible, that has served faithfully many prime ministers, since 1974: Itshak Rabin, Menachem Begin, Itzhak Shamir, Shim’on Peres, Shamir’s second term, Rabin’s second term, Peres’s second term, my first term, Ehud Barak, Ariel Sharon, Ehud Olmert, my second and third terms, and now my fourth one.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, now how much do you assess the historical value added by you for you and each of your predecessors?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

What touches us ourself shall be last served.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, and the others?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

For Rabin, I charge you thirty thousand bucks for his first term, sixty thousand for the second one, and ten thousand for each bullet hole, caused by the gunman Yigal Amir. Six bullet holes – sixty thousand additional bucks …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We Iranians appreciate Rabin very much, especially for his role in the Oslo Accords, but we won’t pay for the holes which we can make by ourselves. We are not in Chelm.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Come on, Hassan, haven’t you ever seen Antiques Roadshow? Don’t you know the market value of such authentic items? Your holes will lessen the value of the car, the original holes are unique, and invaluable.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We don’t buy the car for speculations, but for use. Take the holes, and sell them separately, it’s OK with me. Maybe to your friends, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell. Three for each, or, even better, two for each, and two for Sarah Palin. This unexpected woman may join the Republican race, even at the last minute. What next?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is Menachem Begin. Forty thousand.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We Iranians have much respect to Mr. Begin. An honest man, an honourable man, a real gentleman, but we are angry with him.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Why?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

You ask why? When he sent the Air Force to destroy the Iraqi Osirak nuclear reactor he should have wiped the whole Iraq off the face of the earth, and save us another seven years of bloody war, with hundreds of thousands casualties.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, it was a good idea, but Shim’on Peres objected even the attack on the reactor. If you didn’t break the relations with Israel after ousting the Shah, it could have been another Opera.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, next.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is Itzhak Shamir.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Don’t mention Shamir. Next.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is Shim’on Peres.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We have mixed feeling for Shim’on. On one hand he shares a joint responsibility with Rabin for the Oslo accords, but, on the other hand, as I mentioned, he didn’t let Begin finish the Opera. Next.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is Ehud Barak.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

A passing episode. His name has no value added to the car. Next.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Ariel Sharon.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Leave him alone. As a soldier he was genius in tactics, but very poor in strategy. Later he became a prominent politician, but showed no statesmanship. He ordered the Hitnatkut in order to evade criminal trial, maybe trials. Next.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is Ehud Olmert.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Most famous Israeli leader in corruption. He’s got six years term, and it seems it’s just the beginning.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

How do you know all these small details? Your Intelligence?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I need no intelligence, I just googled it. Who is next?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Next is me, but I won’t price myself, it isn’t nice. Adding my name to the car’s history will add very much to its collectible value, but I’ll give it to you for free, as a neighbour’s gesture.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So, Bibi, what’s the bottom line? What am I requested to pay for the extras?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

One hundred and ninety thousand bucks plus VAT.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I know that you were a furniture salesperson with Rim, but anything you can negotiate we Iranians can negotiate better …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Rega, Bibi, I’ve not yet finished. As I’ve said, we don’t pay for what we don’t need …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Rega, Bibi. And pursuant to your own tax laws there is no VAT on export. Don’t start with me, because your neighbour, King Abdallah, has also a car for sale.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, I deeply regret that you perceive my bargaining with you as an attempt to cheat you. This was never my intention.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, Bibi, bargaining is legitimate, but, pursuant to Section 12 of your Law of Contracts (General Part), tashlag-1973, and pursuant to general legal principles, the lex loci applies. Therefore, by the Israeli laws you have to negotiate in an acceptable way and bona fide, owing full and appropriate disclosure.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I deeply regret, but I have to consult my Attorney General, because I am a legal layman. I had once ambition to enter law school, but they didn’t admit me, so I went to politics.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

But you said that Mr. Weinstein is now under arrest …

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure I did, but, as you know, pursuant to the Israeli law the prime minister must be also a Knesset Member, and, as such, I’m entitled to visit any incarceration facility, at any time, even without notice.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So, how do we get along?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I can’t tell right now, I have to recalculate it, taking into account all your reservations, and, as I said, I have to consult the AG too.

SARAH NETANYAHU (whispers to Benjamin Netanyahu):

Bibi, I didn’t want to intervene, but you are going to make a very bad deal.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU (whispers to Sarah Netanyahu):

Saraleh, who told you what deal I’m going to make?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Nobody had to tell me. I googled it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan, let’s get out to the yard, and see the car.

Scene II

Prime minister’s residence yard, Balfour St., Jerusalem, Israel.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, where are your people?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Tarek is in the kitchen, schmoozing with Saraleh. I know not where Mahmoud is.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I’ll go and call him (goes to the kitchen, returns with the pilot).

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Tarek, where is Mahmoud?

PILOT:

I know not. I let him ten minutes out, just to breath the Jerusalem air, which, as you know, is clear as wine.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yes, I know. Naomi Shemer, died recently. A great loss.

PILOT:

I fear he went hunting for girls. He told me he heard that the Jerusalem girls go to bed no later than eight o’clock, because they have to be back home by ten o’clock … here he comes … Mahmoud what happened? I gave you ten minutes, and it’s almost an hour.

CO-PILOT:

A policewoman stopped me and asked me what I’m doing here. I told her I’m an Egyptian pilot, and I came with a group of tourists. Then she told me she is also of Egyptian descent, and asked me about presidents Anwar el-Sadat, Gamal Abed-el Nasser, Hosni Mubarak, and others. I tried to evade this conversation, but I didn’t want to arouse her suspicion.

What could I have told her if I said that I’m in a hurry, and she asks questions? That I have to be back at the prime minister’s residence? If I said so she would have arrested me, and taken me to – not to jail, but to Talbiyah.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

What is Talbiyah?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Mahmoud meant the lunatic asylum in the neighbourhood of Talbiyah, which is commonly, but not officially, named after the neighbourhood in which it is located, but we try not to mention this name in this context, because all the Supreme Court justices live in that very neighbourhood.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

As far as I remember from high school, this was a neighbourhood where wealthy Arabs used to live until 1948, when they were expelled from their properties, which were confiscated by the newly born State of Israel.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, it was not exactly expulsion, but let me remind you that it was your precondition, not mine, that we shall not talk politics in this occasion. Anyway, I am glad that you recognise the State of Israel.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I deeply regret that you perceive my school-answer as political. That was never my intention, and pursuant to the Iranian law only the Majlis, the Iranian Parliament, is authorised to recognise other states.

However, let’s see the car, and examine it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, I guess you would like to test-drive it first.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Sure I would, but I fear I forgot my international driver’s license at home. I guess that your police doesn’t recognise the Iranian licenses, and I am not anxious to have another encounter with Mahmoud’s policewomen. You cannot cheat all the people all the time.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, leave it to me, nobody will touch you when I am with you in the car.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, I don’t want to drive you into more troubles than the minimum necessary for getting rid of the car. Just remember that Avigdor Lieberman ambushes you around every corner. And Boojie Herzog. And Shellie Yechimovits, of course.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yechimovich, not Yechimovits.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Let it be Yechimovich, but, anyway, we don’t close the deal today, because you said you have to consult your AG, and also recalculate the extras, and also we are running short of time. We have to leave here no later than 1800 hours, in order to arrive at Tehran by midnight local time. Mahmoud, are you ready?

CO-PILOT:

Sure, your honour.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Tarek, you have ten minutes off, but no Jerusalem girls, no policewomen, just fresh mountain air, clear as wine.

PILOT:

Your honour, I deeply regret that you perceive me as girl hunter. That was never my intention.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Ok, Tarek, but don’t forget our timetable. Bibi, let’s see the car. Mahmoud, your turn to speak.

Scene III

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

The keys are inside.

CO-PILOT (enters the car, turns the engine on):

I hear sounds I like them not.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It’s just because the engine is still cold.

CO-PILOT:

OK, I’ll let it work, and in the meanwhile I’ll check the corpus.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure, sure.

CO-PILOT:

It’s rotten. Rusty from top to toe.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I know. Just sand it a little and repaint.

CO-PILOT:

Your honour, it is all holes, you can’t sand holes, and no paint holds on holes.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I told your president about the holes, didn’t I, Hassan?

CO-PILOT:

Yes, I know that story, but these are not bullet holes. It is rust. It is disintegration of the iron. It is iron oxide, formed by the redox reaction of iron and oxygen in the presence of water or air moisture

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, we shall fix it.

CO-PILOT:

May I have a towel or some rag?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure, here we have, in the tool box. What do you need it for?

CO-PILOT:

I have to open the radiator.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Just beware of the steam.

CO-PILOT:

Aha! It boils! … idling five minutes and boils. Nu, tofffffffff.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

We don’t purport to sell a brand new car.

CO-PILOT:

It seems so, and therefore we are here, and therefore they chose for this flight a co-pilot who is also a qualified mechanic.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I see. So carry on your job.

CO-PILOT:

May I have a pen and a piece of paper to make notes?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure, you have in the glove box, enough for two thousand years.

CO-PILOT:

Thank you, your honour.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

You may call me Bibi.

CO-PILOT:

OK Bibi (goes around the car, lies beneath the car, makes notes).

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Here comes Tarek. Ten minutes Jewish time.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It is contagious.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Mahmoud, are you done?

CO-PILOT:

Almost done. Two minutes Jewish time. Rega-rega.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, can you take us to BG with this car? It will be a good idea to see how it functions on the road.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Impossible. The Shabak does not allow me to use it any more.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK Bibi, it was nice to meet you. Saraleh’s food was delicious.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

When do you return to close the deal?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Next Tuesday, in the morning, say 0930 your time, for I am on my way to Moscow, to meet with Vladimir. Make sure Saraleh doesn’t need the car that day.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Sure, sure. Let’s go to BG airport.

Act IV

Scene I

A car riding the streets of Jerusalem, Israel.

Hassan Rouhani at the wheel, Benjamin Netanyahu next to him, Sarah Netanyahu, PILOT and CO-PILOT at the back seat.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Where is the clutch?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

This is an automatic transmission, no clutch.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Sorry, no such animal in Iran. How does it work?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Just shift to Drive, release the parking brake, and use the gas and brake pedals as usual. The machine knows what to do.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

And if she doesn’t do the right thing, can we bring her to justice?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Not in Israel. We are not an advanced country Iike Iran.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, let’s try.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

We are now in Keren Hayessod Street. On the right we see the Tribunal for Labour affairs. Saraleh visits there every day. They built it in this location, close to our official residence in order to ease Saraleh’s getting there.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

And to save security expenses.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, sure.

Next, on the right, the Israel Institute of Democracy. Mota Kremnitzer works there. A nice guy, but left-winger.

Hassan, slow down, we are approaching the junction of Keren Hayessod with Jabotinsky Street, which comes from the right, and is prone to collisions since 1930.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

1925!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

1930!

HASSAN ROUHANI:

1925!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

1930!

HASSAN ROUHANI:

1925, you can google it. The resignation of Jabo took place in 1925, and the collisions with Ben Gurion may have started even earlier. In 1929 he went abroad for lectures, the British didn’t let him come back, and he died in the United States in 1940. Anyway, in 1930 all the collisions were already behind him. A great loss, Jabo.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan, I’ll check it later.

Now, on the right, in Israel everything is on the right, at least for now, we see the Liberty Bell Park. The bell you see is a replica of the Liberty Bell of Philadelphia. Slow down, Hassan.

Now we see, again on the right, the old railway station, one of the most known historical symbols of Jerusalem. It is now disused, and serves as a cultural centre. Hassan, are you crazy in politics as you are in driving?

Now we see the historical Governmental Printing House, where they used to print all the official publications that nobody reads. Now the Official Printer moved to somewhere else, but still nobody reads the stuff. Waste of paper, disastrous to the rain forests.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Do they print money too? Do they accept private orders? Do they print Dollars too?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Frankly speaking, I know not. When I need some cash, I make an order with them, but I don’t know whether they regard it as an official order, or a private one. How much do you need?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I don’t know, we have not yet closed the deal, and I need some cash for refueling from Moscow back to Tehran.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I fear it cannot be facilitated today, because our Governmental Printer is terribly slow, and even when our president, Reuven Ruvi Rivlin, needs some cash, they can’t carry it out the same day. They are slow, lazy and inefficient, like any governmental service everywhere – even in Iran, I think. Anyway, if you need some pocket money for coffee in Moscow airport, I can lend you some cash, but I fear the Russians have fake money detectors. At my last visit to Moscow they had not yet had such devices, but the Mossad said, then, that that is a matter of weeks away until the Russians will have them, and if I were you, I won’t have taken the risk. Maybe Putin can lend you some Rubles.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, I’ll ask him. Thank you for the good advice. Yes, the Iranian governmental services are also slow, lazy and inefficient.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, now make a U-turn. No, not so fast, you will kill all of us!

Next will be King David Hotel, built in 1930, and hosted many heads of state. During the British Mandate, the southern wing of the hotel was turned into a British administrative and military headquarters. On July 22, 1946, the southwestern corner of the hotel was bombed during an attack by the Irgun. 91 people died and 45 people were injured. An earlier attempt by the Irgun to attack the hotel was foiled when the Haganah learned of it and warned the British authorities.

Nowadays it is a most prestigious hotel and serves also as the official hosting house of the State of Israel. There are stubborn rumours that some prominent Israeli politicians use this hotel for their romantic affairs, but I won’t relate to it.

If you stay overnight, I can arrange rooms for you, a room for each of you. Moshe Kahalon will pay, don’t worry.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We would like to spend a night here in Jerusalem, but we are on our way to Moscow, I told you.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, next time.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

With your kind permission, Bibi, I want Mahmoud to drive this car too, because as to the technical issues he will have the final word. He also has an international driver’s license.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

No problem, I’ll guide you to a safe place to do this reshuffle.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Thank you Bibi.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Now stop on the right shoulder of the road. Never stop at the left, they are not trustworthy.

CO-PILOT (takes the driver’s seat):

Where is the clutch?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

This is an automatic transmission, no clutch.

CO-PILOT:

Sorry, no such animal in Iran. How does it work?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Just shift to Drive, release the parking brake, and use the gas and brake pedal as usual. The machine knows what to do.

CO-PILOT:

And if she doesn’t do the right thing, can we bring her to justice?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Not is Israel. We are not an advanced country Iike Iran.

CO-PILOT:

OK, let’s try.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Now, on the right, we see the wall of the old city of Jerusalem, where the Wailing Wall is located. We can’t go there today, because both security reasons, and your constraint of time. Yes, I remember that you are on the way to Moscow, to meet with Vladimir.

Instead of a visit to the Wall, I have an old story about it. An elderly American Jewish couple, who lived in this country before 1948, came to Israel for a visit. It was before the Six Day War. They didn’t know that the Old City was taken by the Jordanians, and they asked the taxicab driver to take them to the Wailing Wall. The driver had never heard about this wall so he asked them for more details. “It’s the place where the Jews cry”, was the answer. So he took them to the offices of the Income Tax. No, I won’t take you there, because they will make me cry, too. They don’t care whether you are an ordinary citisen, or a prime minister – they want your money, and I don’t take unnecessary risk.

Now we have the Jerusalem City Hall on our right, and next to it …

HASSAN ROUHANI:

This is the place where Ehud Olmert took bribes?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

You don’t need my answer, you can google it.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

And you tried to sell me his name as an additional value to the car?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it was my mistake, and I deeply regret that you perceive my mistake as an attempt to cheat you. This was never my intention.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, let’s drop it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Again, next to the City Hall we see the City Square. Do you see the empty place, five-by-five meters, in the middle of it?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Yes, it looks like a small Ground Zero.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

It was designated to be the base for a replica of David, a most famous statue, sculpted by Donizetti …

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Chopin!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Chopin was French.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Polish!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

But not Italian.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Saraleh is right, Chopin was Polish, but the sculptor of David was Modigliani, not Donizetti.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Donizetti!

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Modigliani!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Donizetti!

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Modigliani!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Don’t argue with me, it was Donizetti!

CO-PILOT:

I think it was Leonardo.

PILOT:

Neither Donizetti, who was a composer, nor Modigliani, who was a painter (Jewish, by the way), nor Leonardo, who was also a sculptor, inter alia, but had nothing to do with that David. It was none but Michelangelo, who was the sculptor of this masterpiece. You don’t have to believe me, you can google it.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, yes, yes … now I recall … I remembered some Italian name, but now I’m sure that was Michelangelo. Thank you, Tarek.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

So, where is David, why doesn’t he come to this holy city?

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

The story is that the City of Firenze wanted to give a replica of David to the City of Jerusalem as a gift for Jerusalem’s Day, but the religious circles opposed, because he is naked.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

They are right. We Iranians would do the same, and also hang the founding fathers of this stupid idea. Fortunately, there is no opposition left in Iran, and we have enough cranes free for this purpose.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, I think it’s enough. We have to close the deal, you have to continue to Moscow, I don’t want to show my whole ignorance, and I guess you have the whole picture about how the car functions. Mahmud, just slow down, and after the building of the post office, main branch, make a sharp turn to the left, to Shlomtsiyon Ha’Malka Street.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, a sharp turn to the left?!

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

I just want to get the shortest path to my residence, because we are short in time, and I deeply regret that one may perceive my choosing the shortest way as political. That was never my intention. Yet, who knows, maybe Boojie Herzog waits for us after turning left. We need him to stabilise and strengthen the coalition, because a coalition … slow down, Mahmoud, I want to show you something… on the left, again, you see King Koresh Street, named after your monarch, 2500 years ago. Carry on, Mahmoud, we are short in time. Back to the coalition, our coalition counts now 61 out of 120 Knesset members, and such a coalition is quite fragile.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Fortunately, we Iranians don’t have such problems. Any Majlis member who doesn’t follow the official lines, finds himself hanged, and, as I’ve just told you, we have enough free cranes for this job.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Thank you gentlemen, we are back at home. Let’s get back to business.

Scene II

Prime minister’s residence, Balfour St., Jerusalem, Israel.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Gentlemen, I’ve consulted the AG and he approves the deal. By the way, he is already out of jail, freed without bail, and without any charges against him. What do you say?

HASSAN ROUHANI:

You said that you have also to recalculate the price, taking into account all our reservations.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Yes, I did it. Unfortunately, Bashar has got a new armoured car right now, and he doesn’t need my armour. So are Recep Tayyip Erdoğan of Turkey, Abdel Fattah Saeed Hussein Khalil el-Sisi of Egypt, King Abdallah of Jordan. I also tried, via common friends, to contact Hassan Nasrallah, the Secretary General of Hezbollah, and Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi of ISIS. Nasrallah could not be traced, because he hides underground, and my sources in ISIS told me they even don’t know whether al-Baghdadi is still alive, after all the American raids. So you have the armour for free – just take it.

As to the bullet holes – unfortunately my American friends, John Boehner and Mitch McConnell, they have bullet holes of their own, and they don’t need any more. They advised me to ask Newt Gingrich, and so I did, but he said he will also have bullet holes of his own, for free – it’s just a question of time. Sarah Palin told me she has no further ambition to run again, for the time being, of course, and referred me to Michelle Bachman. I called Michelle, but she could not be reached, her cellphone was not available, and she didn’t answer my emails. So you have the bullet holes for free, too, if we close the deal today.

As to the historical value added to the car for the names of the previous prime ministers, after a second thought, and by the Accountant General’s approval, we waive any return thereof, except the sixty thousand bucks for Itshak Rabin’s second term, when he was murdered, as I said last time. It isn’t a matter of money, but of principle. We can’t let him be forgotten.

As to the car itself and the air conditioner, I have the approval to deduct twenty percent from the price of the car, and fifty percent from the air conditioner.

The bottom line is four hundred bucks for the car, twenty five thousand for the air conditioner and sixty thousand for Rabin’s name, totaling four hundred eighty five thousand dollars. As to the VAT, it turns out that you are right: there is no taxation on export.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Mahmoud, what do you say?

CO-PILOT:

The car is in a very bad shape, not only the body, but also the engine, and other systems. It needs investment of one hundred thousand bucks in order to overhaul the car and restore its working condition, after which the car has value of one hundred and fifty thousand bucks. It means that before the investment it is worth no more than fifty thousand bucks. For the air conditioner I would not give a penny, because it is cheaper to buy and install a new one, than to fix the incumbent one. As to the historical value – it is not within my expertise.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK, as I’ve already said, we don’t buy the car as a collectible, but for daily use, but in Rabin’s honour we shall give three thousand dollars, totaling fifty three thousand dollars, cash.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Hassan, come on! So little? Why won’t we, as neighbours, meet in the middle? Four hundred eighty five plus fifty three are five hundred thirty eight, divided by two gives two hundred sixty nine, rounded down to two hundred fifty, just in your honour.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Bibi, as an ex-businessman you know for sure that in business like in business, no sentiments. And I succumbed a little to my sentiment, by letting you three thousand buck for Rabin’s name.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, Hassan, let’s make a compromise, two hundred thousand.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

Not a penny more.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

One hundred, final offer.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

I said not a penny more.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

OK, done! Open your pocket.

SARAH NETANYAHU:

Bibi, Rega. You make a big mistake, an historical mistake, the biggest mistake of your life. This is a very bad deal.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

So what do you suggest, Saraleh, to get stuck with this useless clunker? What is the alternative – no deal?

SARAH NETANYAHU:

I didn’t say no deal. The alternative to this bad deal is a much-much better deal.

HASSAN ROUHANI:

OK Bibi, we shall now break up this session till another time, when Caesar’s wife shall meet with better dreams.

BENJAMIN NETANYAHU:

Rega, Hassan, rega!

HASSAN ROUHANI:

We can’t be late to the meeting with Vladimir, and let him sit and wait for us. We are going to Moscow for more important things than second-hand cars. We came here twice, the next time – if you don’t find another buyer and we don’t find another car – you come to Tehran, with the car, to close the deal. We shall welcome you with the utmost honours, with the Iranian Air Force orchestra playing Ha’Tikva, with an unsolicited press conference, and with all the other protocols. We shall leave no ceremony out, and I pledge my word that you will be able to leave the country whenever you wish, with or without the car.

End

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